The End of a Beginning.

I just spent about an hour reading my blogs from the start of all this. Crazy. Crazy how much life has changed. Of all the ways my life has changed the one thing that remained is my ongoing battle with my health (or weightloss I should say honestly). So much has gone on that I wish I would have continued documenting it all - it may have helped see all this clearer.
So where to begin? I think an appropriate place would be acknowledging the post written just below. On the first day of 2015 I committed to myself and God that I would let go of "control". Hmm. Control. I struggled with it obviously, but now my life is anything but in control it seems. I don't know who is out there reading this, but for my own release I write this publicly. My marriage is gone. I stare at the blinking cursor as I finished that last sentence. Gone doesn't mean that I am currently a divorced 32 year old woman. Gone simply means that I have no idea where it's at. I figured I would find out Google's definition of 'gone' and it was pretty right on; gone is defined as 'no longer present: departed'. I've been in a relationship with my husband for 13 years, married just one month shy of 9 years, and today the life in those years is 'no longer present'. I would probably need to fulfill that blog I wrote a couple years back about writing a book to explain how my husband and I have reached this place we're at now, but I guess for time's sake I'll just have to quickly recap 2015 - the year I "let go". Every year on the first day of the year my husband chooses to abide by this rule that his parents had...'no spending money on the first day of the year' because it supposedly set the tone of the year. Honestly, I hate that rule. I hated that somehow every year on that very day we needed something. Remembering back I clear see those days we argued because we needed dish soap, milk, bread or whatever. We argued because of that rule. The rule pissed me off because every year we struggled financially, so I the anger would rise up and we would argue all day (well, let's be honest...I would argue). So. If my mental timeline serves me right then just a few hours after writing that blog I was lying in bed next to the "rule guy". I don't know exactly what he said, but I do remember my smart remark. It had a lot to do with the fact that his rule never played out correctly. We went back forth with sarcasm that quickly escalated into a heated debate. The truth is that ninety percent of our arguments over the years have always had to do with money. We are young family that started out in our teens and have always struggled to make it to The Jones' status. There were many seasons when I worked a few jobs at a time to make ends meet. Seasons when all we had was a box of pancake mix to feed our family with. Seasons where I would find myself at a Catholic Charity home hoping they could pay my light bill. Finances have always been a struggle for us, but there was still that 10 percent that had to do with a lot of other things. Going back to that previous blog about letting go...I mentioned that I had a problem with control. I felt that I took control of the problems we faced as a couple. If we needed money, I took control and did something about it. Things needed to be done around the house, I took control and got it done. If I felt I could do something to get us in a better spot, I took control and pursued it. In all this control I took, I never waited. I never waited for something to rise up or someone. Over the years I built up a lot of anger towards my husband. I wanted so much more out of him. I guess this is where the control was rising up. I wanted to depend on him as a wife should, but I didn't trust him. So I moved. I believe in my heart that over the years he became very comfortable with my ambition. Somewhere in this timeline of events our leadership roles crossed...or were they ever in one's ownership? In January of 2015 we got in to an argument and for once in our relationship, I didn't apologize. I decided to stand my ground and know that I was right. I wanted him to accept that he was wrong. That he had done wrong. He waited though. He waited for me to break the silence, say I'm sorry and move on.  Unfortunately I had had enough. I was tired of being a boiling pot of water that every time the pot spilled over its temperature was turned down and the mess was cleaned up. That decision changed everything. Our arguments were at a whole other level. Shouting matches. Accusations. Cursing. Three months of hell we went thru. On March 20, 2015 I had decided in my mind that I was going to leave my husband. That day I travelled up to San Antonio for a Mary Kay convention and unknown to me my husband just driving up as well. I remember walking in to the convention and feeling so anxious that I couldn't even stand it. I walked out the largest convention center to try and breathe. The moment I sat on the outside patio in the drizzling rain my cell phone rang. It was my husband. His voice was confused and anxious. In the next 2 minutes he told me that he was there in San Antonio and that he just received a phone call from Corpus Christi that his mom had a heart attack. He arrived at the hotel and stayed on the phone for quite sometime making phone calls back and forth with her friends and the hospital. My mother-in-law passed away on Saturday, March 21, 2015, one month before her birthday. God did something to us in that season. It seemed the hell we were going thru subsided and our love was renewed. By the time summer it I began to feel like that dust had settled to reveal nothing had changed. My heart was still bitter. I still wanted change.
In the Fall of this year I took a step of faith and opened up A Stellar Find boutique. Yeah, that one thing a blogged about for years. I am now a small business owner! Exciting, huh? It's been a dream I never thought would come to pass, but of course God is faithful to His promises. I've always held on to Luke 1:45 'Blessed is she who has BELIEVED that The Lord would fulfill His promises to her'. I know I just said that I never thought it would happen, but you know what I mean. It's like a wildest dreams kinda thing.  It's only been 5 months, but my 'visions' have never been bigger.
So here I am wrapping up the year. I am a new business owner, the mother of a 12 yr old, 11 yr old, 8 yr old and a marriage falling apart. My husband and I currently sleep in different rooms, haven't had any sort of intimacy in over 3 weeks, and destroyed each other with our words and actions. Being completely real with whoever you are...I do not know what God is allowing, doing and working on. I am so confused. My faith in life has become so weary. If you are reading this I hope that you would not judge me for being so transparent with the world, but instead realize that I am human and going thru some real issues. I don't know how the next few weeks of the year will play out, but I pray that I receive some sort of revelation. I am praying for a breakthrough. God is the only One that can turn this situation around. So I ask myself, did I let go? Did I let go? I don't know. I wish I had more time to explain in detail what's been going on, but I can't.
As for my weight loss journey, I will say that it's gotten so much better. I type that and exhale. I am 4 months of continued attendance in a gym. I've lost weight and inches and I feel incredible!! I'll definitely share that journey in another post!